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Alien VS. Piccolo/Transcript
DISCLAIMER DENDE: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. (cuts to Piccolo and Frieza exchanging blows in midair) FRIEZA: To think your race had the ability to produce such capable fighters. I'm surprised I hadn't destroyed you sooner. PICCOLO: And to think your race has the ability to produce such whiny bitches. I'm surprised anyone can take you seriously. (Piccolo kicks Frieza in the face) VEGETA: Wait a damn minute, something's wrong here. GOHAN: Huh? VEGETA: Back on your planet, the Namek couldn't even stand up to Nappa. Yet here he is now, taking on Frieza. In his second form! GOHAN: What do you think happened? VEGETA: Well, either Frieza hit me so hard I'm in a delusional coma, or... GOHAN: Or? VEGETA: Power levels are bulls**t! SEQUENCE (cuts to Piccolo charging at Frieza and engaging him in a brawler lock) NAIL: (Wow, you're really kicking his ass.) PICCOLO: (thinking) Oh, you're still here. NAIL: (Yeah, I've just been watching you knock this guy around. Kinda bored...wishin’ I had something to do. You got any ideas?) PICCOLO: (thinking) Now is not the time! (Piccolo fires an eye blast at Frieza, stunning the latter for a brief moment, and then kicks him in the face before punching him in the stomach) GOHAN: Piccolo's actually standing up to him, Krillin! KRILLIN: I don’t believe it... We may actually win! VEGETA: Yeah, that's just, uh, great... If you'll excuse me, though, I've, uh, gotta... Bye! (powers up and flies off) FRIEZA: (thinking as he sees Vegeta flying away) Oh, for the love of... PICCOLO: (charges at Frieza) GAAAAH! FRIEZA: Time out. PICCOLO: (stops) Huh? FRIEZA: Would you hold on for a moment, please? I'll be right back. (starts powering up) VEGETA: (thinking) All right, I've just gotta find one of the Ginyu's ships, and get the hell out of here! I'll just go to Frieza Planet 419. No one ever goes to Frieza Planet 419. Not since its species miraculously repopulated. (cut to shot of "Frieza Planet 419, A.K.A. Kanassa") KANASSAN 1: I CAN SEE THE FUTURE! KANASSAN 2: BULMA AND VEGETA HAVE A KID! KANASSAN 3: THE REAL BUU IS A CHILD! KANASSAN 4: CELL REACHES HIS PERFECT FORM! KANASSAN 5: GOTEN AND TRUNKS BECOME A GUY! KANASSAN 6: GOHAN IS THE STRONGEST IN THE UNIVERSE BUT STILL DOESN'T DO CRAP! (cuts back to Vegeta flying in the sky before getting cut off by Frieza) FRIEZA: So, Vegeta, where are you going? VEGETA: Oh, you know... Places. FRIEZA: Places, hm? Like that mountain over there? VEGETA: Actually, that looks more like a pla- (gets punched by Frieza) -TEAUUUUUUUUUU! (gets smashed into a pile of rocks) FRIEZA: Sorry about that. Where were we? PICCOLO: Last time I checked, I was planting my foot firmly somewhere between your lungs and colon. FRIEZA: An admirable feat for a lowlife such as yourself. I have a question for you, though. PICCOLO: What's that? FRIEZA: Die. PICCOLO: That's...not...a...question. (gets punched by Frieza into the ground) Aaaah! FRIEZA: That's because I don't do requests. VEGETA: (barely conscious) Well, that didn't last real f**king long. (Piccolo is seen climbing out from under the rocks) FRIEZA: Oh, come on, now, that was just a love tap. PICCOLO: Don't think you have the upper hand yet. I'm still wearing weighted armor. (removes his cape and turban and then cracks his neck and knuckles) KRILLIN: Oh man, that sounded good, now I have to do my neck. (cracks his neck) Oowww! My neck! (Krillin Owned Count: 26) FRIEZA: Weighted armor. How quaint. And how much does it weigh? PICCOLO: Same as it always does. One hundred kilo-- (Frieza is seen smirking) Oh... FRIEZA: That's just cute! PICCOLO: That...concept just sort of lost meaning after a while, didn't it? FRIEZA: True. But I have one that's nice, fresh, and ripe for abuse. Transformation. And spoiler warning: it's not getting old anytime soon. PICCOLO: You can't be serious! FRIEZA: Oh, but I am. See, I'm merely... (Frieza continues speaking in the background as Nail's voice cuts in, talking to Piccolo) NAIL: (Hey, man. Can I talk you about something really quick?) PICCOLO: I'm seriously in the middle of something right now. NAIL: (Yeah, I know, but I've been looking around and you've got like no apps in here. I have already played the crap out of Minesweeper.) PICCOLO: Could you just-- Wait, I have apps? I have Minesweeper!? I just thought I could connect to the internet with my antennae. NAIL: (I didn't even know we could do that.) (Frieza starts powering up) PICCOLO: Well, you learn something new everyday. Now could you let me focus--? NAIL: (Hey... You wanna play me in Minesweeper?) (Frieza begins to transform) PICCOLO: You can't play someone at Minesweeper; that's a single-player game! NAIL: (Nah, see, first I go then you go and try to beat my time and... hey, is he transforming?) PICCOLO: Huh? DAMN IT! (Frieza finishes transforming into his third form) FRIEZA: So Namekian, what do you think of my third form? PICCOLO: I think Ridley Scott's gonna sue somebody. FRIEZA: What are you talking about? (an alien tongue pops out of his mouth and starts jabbering before retracting) Let me touch your skin! PICCOLO: (seemingly disturbed) Ahh! GOHAN: Oh, no! This is horrible! How could this happen? VEGETA: He's going to kill us all! KRILLIN: (neck still stuck) HELP ME! (Piccolo charges at Frieza and tries to attack him with a flurry of punches, but Frieza easily dodges each of his attacks. Piccolo then tries a head-on attack, but Frieza blasts him away.) FRIEZA: Poor little Namekian. Can't touch me anymore. How about this? Let's play a game. Ever heard of "paintball"? PICCOLO: Yeah... FRIEZA: Just remove the "t". PICCOLO: I don't get-- (Frieza shoots him in the knee) OH-HO! I get it! FRIEZA: Now, for your other glubok! (shoots Piccolo in the other knee) PICCOLO: You're not really familiar with our anatomy, are you? FRIEZA: It doesn't matter! I'll hit your glubok somewhere. (Freeza starts bombarding Piccolo with a barrage of finger beams) GOHAN: Piccolo, no! (charges towards Frieza) KRILLIN: Ah, not this crap again! (tries to fly after Gohan but Vegeta grabs his leg) VEGETA: Hold on! I Have an idea-- and I don’t want to hear any of your stupid crap. KRILLIN: I only promise to try. VEGETA: I need you to–and follow me on this one–almost kill me. KRILLIN: Almost... kill you. VEGETA: Yeah. KRILLIN: And there's no repercussion for this...? VEGETA: I will not punch you. KRILLIN: Oddly specific. VEGETA: Now, I'm going to need a moment to prepare myself, otherwise I might go into- (Krillin blasts him in the chest) -SHOOOOOO...! (starts falling towards Dende) You are so punched! (shifts back to Piccolo, now badly damaged, still getting repeatedly blasted by Frieza) PICCOLO: Aaaah, ga-ha-ha! Why is this still happening? GOHAN: (flies behind Frieza) Circling around, Mr. Piccolo! Hey Frieza! The human body is composed of 75% water! I am 100% death! Have some! (fires a blast at Frieza) FRIEZA: What? Gyahhh! (gets hit by the blast) Oh, no! The invincible Lord Frieza defeated by a mere child! What dramatic irony! (while laughing) Oh, no, just kidding. (reverses the blast back to Gohan) GOHAN: (thinking) Crapbaskets! (Piccolo intercepts the blast, saving Gohan) GOHAN: Mr. Piccolo! You saved me again! PICCOLO: "Saved" is sort of subjective here. FRIEZA: So, we’re all well aware that that all basically equated to a game of Hot Space Potato, right? Well, then, I say we get a move on. Who here's tired of my third form? PICCOLO: Me. GOHAN: Me. KRILLIN: Me. FRIEZA: Alrighty then, final form it is! KRILLIN: Personally, I was a bigger fan of the first form. PICCOLO: I'd settle on second, really. FRIEZA: HYAAAAA... (begins transforming) (Gohan carries a beaten Piccolo in the sky) GOHAN: Come on, Mr. Piccolo. PICCOLO: Ugh... (Gohan places him on the ground) GOHAN: Don't worry; we have Dende! He can heal you! (Krillin lands next to Gohan) Krillin, where's Dende? KRILLIN: I dunno, but Little Green's over there with Vegeta. GOHAN: Why? KRILLIN: I blew a hole in his chest. GOHAN: Why?! KRILLIN: Because he asked for it. (shifts to a badly wounded Vegeta approaching Dende) VEGETA: Guah! You...green thing...heal me. DENDE: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm having a hard time hearing you over the smell of my people's blood on your hands. VEGETA: Oh, no... Do not be that guy right now... DENDE: Oh, I'm going to be that guy right now. VEGETA: I am literally going to die... DENDE: Well, how about this? I'll heal you, on one condition. VEGETA: And that is...? DENDE: Say my name. VEGETA: Oh... Uh... DENDE: You don't even know my name. VEGETA: Oh, uh, I do. It's, uh...um, uh...Little...Green? DENDE: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! No. No, it's Dende. Say "Dende". VEGETA: Dende. DENDE: Now say, "Please heal me, Dende". VEGETA: Please heal me, Dende. DENDE: Well, since you asked so nicely... (flies away) VEGETA: Come back, magic man... (collapses onto the ground) Ugh... (shifts to Dende healing Piccolo) DENDE: And you, my friend, are a subject of nepotism. PICCOLO: Ugh. Thank you, magic man. DENDE: It's good to have you back, Nail. PICCOLO: I'm not Nail. NAIL: (Technically, ya kinda are.) PICCOLO: Shut up, Nail. DENDE: Why are you talking to yourself? PICCOLO: No reason. Now go heal Vegeta. DENDE: Why would I do that? (Frieza is still seen transforming) FRIEZA: ...AAAAAAAAAA... PICCOLO: Because THAT. DENDE: Oh yeah, that’s happening right now. FRIEZA: (still transforming) HYAAAAAA... GOHAN: Krillin, why aren't you using your Kienzan? KRILLIN: Eh, you know, I keep forgetting to do that. GOHAN: And? KRILLIN: Well, I kind of used all my energy to mortally wound Vegeta. GOHAN: Seriously, what did I miss?! (shifts to Dende healing Vegeta) DENDE: *sigh* Twist my arm a little bit more, why don't ya? VEGETA: (gets up) You...healed me. DENDE: Of course I did. I’m a nice guy. VEGETA: And now what's to stop me from kicking your face in? DENDE: Because you touch me, and you're not getting back up again. That's right, I'm your White Mage. And nobody f**ks with the White Mage. (gets blown up by Frieza) FRIEZA: Oh, I feel REAL good about my life right now. SEQUENCE STINGER KRILLIN: Little Green! NOOOOOOOO!!! GOHAN: Actually, Krillin, his name was Dende. KRILLIN: Huh, that's funny. Never spoke up about it. (screen goes black and then shows a shot of Gohan and Dende in a Horribleville-style comic strip frame) DENDE: Jesus Christ, how horrifying.